It's a Saturday night and I am doing the same thing I do every Saturday night. I am sitting on my butt trying to put a name to what I am feeling. There are several adjectives to describe what I am feeling; lonely, frustrated, depressed, broke, envious, worried, wanting, needing, & of course tired.
To explore all of these feelings would take too much time so I will just pick our a few and to the rest I will give short descriptions. The first is easy to describe and that one is loneliness. I don't think anyone realizes that all my life consist of is work and home. Everyday I hear from my co-workers and from our patients about their exciting and busy weekends. Right now we are in the middle of summer and I get to hear again about everybody's vacations. I guess that is where another feeling comes in and that is envy. It has been years since I have had a vacation where I can go somewhere and just get away from everything. The one place I would like to go is to Key West and just chill. Everyone at work describes me as being laid back and they are right so I guess that is why I want to go to Key West. It known for it's laid back lifestyle. I keep hoping that somehow I will be able to take that trip. The one thing that is keeping me from going is of money.
The lack of money is keeping me from doing a lot of things. It seems that I stay broke. When you are broke and come into a little money you can spend you look at things in terms of the I wants or the I needs. I never have enough money for the I needs so naturally I can't buy any I wants. Right now I really need a sofa but there is just no money at all to buy one so I continue to sit in my desk chair. I also need to do some maintenance on my car such as an oil change, washed and waxed and really deep cleaned inside. Jay, I am sure will tell me that there are some other things I need to do but I can't afford. Not being able to afford my needs leaves me frustrated.
I try to live by the Serenity Prayer and try my best not to worry about the things I can't control but it is so hard. The one thing I haven't mentioned in this blog is my health. My health has is own set of adjectives including depression. I have to push myself everyday at work that by the end of the week all I want to do is sleep. Among the adjectives I listed earlier was tired. Tired doesn't begin to describe what I feel. One of the symptoms people with Lupus and Fibromyalgia is fatigue. It is this feeling that just seems to wash over me in a way that is difficult to describe. Depending on how I feel I can nap for up to 4 hours and still go to bed at night and sleep soundly. I want more out of my life, I deserve to be able to have a good time occasionally. A part of these two chronic diseases is that you can only live one day at a time literally. Making firm commitments is something of the past because you never know how you are going to feel that day in the future.
Just recently my daughter and granddaughter came for a visit and I wanted so much to take them to Stone Mountain but I knew I could not physically do that. Between the fatigue I battle I also have problems walking and standing. I also have to be careful of the sun. Being in the sun can bring on a Lupus flare. Can anyone out there understand why I am FRUSTRATED WITH MY LIFE?
When I started this blog entry I thought I wouldn't be able to address all of the adjectives that I am feeling right now but it looks like I was. I surprised that all of feelings are all tied together. As I end this blog I am listening to the song "Smile" by Nat King Cole. Now how appropriate is that.
