Limbo Land

Limbo Land is a lonely place and one that I have found myself in a lot for way too long.  Bill was not only my husband but my best friend and we spent a lot of time together.  This past weekend I have come to the conclusion that in order to move forward out of Limbo Land I need to close the door to the past few years with Bill.  It is time to do what I never thought I would be doing, getting a divorce for the 3rd time.  It doesn't get any easier and when I think about I feel like a failure.  I gave everything I could to keep our marriage together but Bill's dream to be a professional actor was more important than our life together.  When he made this decision he left me hoping he would find his way back but now I have to admit that it is a lost cause.  I am not the failure, I stayed the course we set for our lives.   It is time to move on and find a new path to follow.

Tired today

Today I have a lot to do but I am just feeling too tired.  This comes from the Lupus and also from Fibromyalgia.  Since symptoms can overlap it is hard to know which one is causing my fatigue. 

This past week I have been doing a lot of thinking about the words "Taking my life back" and came to the realization that they are only words until they are put into action.  I have been making small steps but find myself stopping for a break and when it is time to get back into action I feel blocked.  There is so much to do that I feel overwelmed.  Do I start in the living room or in the bedroom, both need my attention.  How do I do the things that require me to reach with my right arm?  Who do I call for help?  I know that the best way is to tackle my "To Do" list is to take it one thing at a time but something always keeps holding me back. 

Now that I am writing this I think I am discovering what that something is and that is finalizing the end of my marriage to Bill.  This is something that I know is necessary but at the same time something I never thought would happen.  He was the love of my life and I believed we would grow old together but the past 4 years have shown me that he is just a child who needs parents to guide him and to support him.  I need a man that I can count on to be the man of the house and Bill  is not that man.  It is time time to start a new beginning without him and really "Take my life back".

Lupus and Fibromyalgia

Ok, today I had an appointment with my rheumatologist. I am still learning a lot about Lupus and Fibromyalgia. Today I found out that the sun will not be a friend since it can trigger a flare or make a flare worse. This news was not what I wanted to hear. She recommended that when I plan to be out in the sun not only will I have to be sure to wear sunscreen but to cover up. I guess hats and sleeves will be my wardrobe from now on. Not happy. ):

Tomorrow I will be attending a seminar for Newly Diagnosed Patients at Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta. I am hoping to get a lot of my questions answered.

My quest to take my life back is not going very well. It has not been what I expected and planned. Yes, mentally I am better but breaking my shoulder before Christmas has set me back in many ways. One is my range of motion is not where it should be which has limited me and delayed being able to get settled in my new home. The second is the financial setback. My FSA will be depleated very soon which means that all of my meds and my OV co-pays will be all out of pocket. I owe at least $1000.00 to DeKalb Medical. I need to find a solution.

Memorial Day, 2010

Today, Memorial Day, 2010 and I am using it as a starting date for my 365 day challenge to get healthy. I weighed this morning, took my measurments and the numbers were startling but not surprising. If I don't do something thing now I am sure that I will end up with high blood pressure, diabetes or something more serious.

Right now I am dealing with Lupus and Fibromyalgia both can go into remission but there is no cure. Getting my weight down and exercising will give me the strength to deal with these diseases.

On a another subject I now know that my separation from Bill will be permanant. Two days ago I stopped by the house to borrow a chair and it was like seeing the house for the first time without the rose colored glasses. The clutter has gotten worse since I moved out and LaDonna and Doug have moved into the house. After 7 years with Bill I now know that he has issues that I can change or fix. We have decided to separate the Verizon account. I brought it up first only to find out that he had already come this decision on his own. He will join LaDonna and Doug on their account. He will be their child now. I am sure that when I file for a divorce he will not be apposed to it as long as he can continue to pursue his dreams. The end will probably happen sometime this summer.

More later......

Krispy Kreme Donuts

Ok, I have to confess tonight on the way home I when to Krispy Kreme's drive-thru and got a dozen donuts. I have probably eaten at the 6 and I know, not let me correct that, I already regret it. I have to get control of whatever it is that drives to buy "Junk Food" that is not healthy for me. I need to change, no I have to change. Memorial Day weekend is a couple of days away and I would like to get off to a great start and begin with staying away from food like Krispy Kreme donuts.

Better week

Health wise this has been a better week for me thanks to Lyrica and Complex B vitamins. I have not had a single day where I felt exhausted in fact I have had more energy for the first time in a long time. I may even get some things done around the house this weekend.

As far as eating better I am focused on a goad of getting started next Saturday so I will have a 3 day weekend to get adjusted. I will be choosing 2 goals to focus on each week. My goal is to change my eating from a health distroyer to a healthy me that can enjoy life.

Good News: My daughter is getting married today. Tara, Jeffrey and Jocelyn will be an official family.

54th Birthday

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME, I AM NOW 54. In the coming week I will begin my 365 days to a healthier and happier me. I deserve it after what I have put up with the past 4 years. Today I came across a site that sells healthy soup and pasta mixes. If they are good I plan to share this site with the hope that others will be inspired to begin a new healthy life.

Going out to my parents tomorrow and my mother is cooking. I requested meatloaf and mashed potatoes. One last comfort meal before I start looking for healthier foods to improve my moods. I am an a emotional eater, just another challenge to overcome.

God, please help to overcome my emotional eating.

Ok, the day before my 54th birthday and my hands and feet are hurting. It has been like this all week, that along with severe exhaustion. All of this is a part of Lupus and Fibromyalgia. This will be the second birthday in a row that I could not celebrate due to my health. That is why it is important that I take my 365 day commitment seriously. More tomorrow.....

365 Days to a healthier me 5/16/2010

I have been thinking about my life and the way it is going. My mental state has improved since separating from Bill. The main concern I have right now is the Lupus flare I am experiencing right now. This I can not control, I can only follow my doctor's advice and hope it doesn't last long. The is the worst I have experienced since I was diagnosed last October.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.

My weight is way out of control. I am the heaviest I have ever been and it is causing challenges in my everyday life as well as my health. This is something that I have decided it is time to take control of something I can change. It is time to get serious. I am dedicate the next year, 365 days, to get become a healthier and happier life. This Saturday I will be 54 years old and want to be fit by the this time next year. There are some challenges, many challenges. The Lupus, the meds, the inibility to excercise but I need to find a way to overcome these challenges.

God grant me the courage to change the things I can.

Ok, the next 2 days are all about prep. Weigh, measure, plan simple menus that contain 5-6 small meals a day. Eat healthy giving my body what it needs to live. Eat to live, don't live to eat. Please God see me through this challenge.

God you have given me the wisdom to see the difference. Thank you.