Monday, July 19, 2010
Limbo Land
Limbo Land is a lonely place and one that I have found myself in a lot for way too long. Bill was not only my husband but my best friend and we spent a lot of time together. This past weekend I have come to the conclusion that in order to move forward out of Limbo Land I need to close the door to the past few years with Bill. It is time to do what I never thought I would be doing, getting a divorce for the 3rd time. It doesn't get any easier and when I think about I feel like a failure. I gave everything I could to keep our marriage together but Bill's dream to be a professional actor was more important than our life together. When he made this decision he left me hoping he would find his way back but now I have to admit that it is a lost cause. I am not the failure, I stayed the course we set for our lives. It is time to move on and find a new path to follow.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Tired today
Today I have a lot to do but I am just feeling too tired. This comes from the Lupus and also from Fibromyalgia. Since symptoms can overlap it is hard to know which one is causing my fatigue.
This past week I have been doing a lot of thinking about the words "Taking my life back" and came to the realization that they are only words until they are put into action. I have been making small steps but find myself stopping for a break and when it is time to get back into action I feel blocked. There is so much to do that I feel overwelmed. Do I start in the living room or in the bedroom, both need my attention. How do I do the things that require me to reach with my right arm? Who do I call for help? I know that the best way is to tackle my "To Do" list is to take it one thing at a time but something always keeps holding me back.
Now that I am writing this I think I am discovering what that something is and that is finalizing the end of my marriage to Bill. This is something that I know is necessary but at the same time something I never thought would happen. He was the love of my life and I believed we would grow old together but the past 4 years have shown me that he is just a child who needs parents to guide him and to support him. I need a man that I can count on to be the man of the house and Bill is not that man. It is time time to start a new beginning without him and really "Take my life back".
This past week I have been doing a lot of thinking about the words "Taking my life back" and came to the realization that they are only words until they are put into action. I have been making small steps but find myself stopping for a break and when it is time to get back into action I feel blocked. There is so much to do that I feel overwelmed. Do I start in the living room or in the bedroom, both need my attention. How do I do the things that require me to reach with my right arm? Who do I call for help? I know that the best way is to tackle my "To Do" list is to take it one thing at a time but something always keeps holding me back.
Now that I am writing this I think I am discovering what that something is and that is finalizing the end of my marriage to Bill. This is something that I know is necessary but at the same time something I never thought would happen. He was the love of my life and I believed we would grow old together but the past 4 years have shown me that he is just a child who needs parents to guide him and to support him. I need a man that I can count on to be the man of the house and Bill is not that man. It is time time to start a new beginning without him and really "Take my life back".
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