September 15, 2012

In Transition:

I am currently in process of transition.  It is time for renew my lease and it is looking like my rent will be going up and for the past few months I have had trouble coming up with all of rent at the first of the month.  I need to cut my monthly expenses more than I have already have.  My rent is the only thing left that I have to cut.  Scouring the ads is exhausting and I know that this only the beginning of what will be an emotional and physical time for me.  I am not looking forward to this change.  Sometimes change is good but once you are through it there will be a time of peace.  Funny thing that did not happen with my last move.  Leaving my husband, braking my shoulder shortly after moving played a huge part is making that change difficult.  

Now to my health.  I saw my rheumotologist yesterday and was able to just sit and talk to her about everything going on in my life.  She gave me a cortisone shot in my right knee to help my pain.  I also asked how my I weighed when I was first seen there.  My weight at that time was 271, 38 pounds less than what I weigh now.  I guess when I decide on my first weight goal that will be my focus.  

Here's to change, let it be easy and good.

SATURDAY NIGHT

It's a Saturday night and I am doing the same thing I do every Saturday night.    I am sitting on my butt trying to put a name to what I am feeling.  There are several adjectives to describe what I am feeling; lonely, frustrated, depressed, broke, envious, worried, wanting, needing, & of course tired.  

To explore all of these feelings would take too much time so I will just pick our a few and to the rest I will give short descriptions.  The first is easy to describe and that one is loneliness.  I don't think anyone realizes that all my life consist of is work and home.  Everyday I hear from my co-workers and from our patients about their exciting and busy weekends.  Right now we are in the middle of summer and I get to hear again about everybody's vacations.  I guess that is where another feeling comes in and that is envy.  It has been years since I have had a vacation where I can go somewhere and just get away from everything.  The one place I would like to go is to Key West and just chill.  Everyone at work describes me as being laid back and they are right so I guess that is why I want to go to Key West.  It known for it's laid back lifestyle.  I keep hoping that somehow I will be able to take that trip.  The one thing that is keeping me from going is of money.  


The lack of money is keeping me from doing a lot of things.  It seems that I stay broke.  When you are broke and come into a little money you can spend you look at things in terms of the I wants or the I needs.  I never have enough money for the I needs so naturally I can't buy any I wants.  Right now I really need a sofa but there is just no money at all to buy one so I continue to sit in my desk chair.  I also need to do some maintenance on my car such as an oil change, washed and waxed and really deep cleaned inside.  Jay, I am sure will tell me that there are some other things I need to do but I can't afford.  Not being able to afford my needs leaves me frustrated.


I try to live by the Serenity Prayer and try my best not to worry about the things I can't control but it is so hard.  The one thing I haven't mentioned in this blog is my health.  My health has is own set of adjectives including depression.  I have to push myself everyday at work that by the end of the week all I want to do is sleep.  Among the adjectives I listed earlier was tired.  Tired doesn't begin to describe what I feel.  One of the symptoms people with Lupus and Fibromyalgia is fatigue.  It is this feeling that just seems to wash over me in a way that is difficult to describe.  Depending on how I feel I can nap for up to 4 hours and still go to bed at night and sleep soundly.  I want more out of my life, I deserve to be able to have a good time occasionally.  A part of these two chronic diseases is that you can only live one day at a time literally.  Making firm commitments is something of the past because you never know how you are going to feel that day in the future.  


Just recently my daughter and granddaughter came for a visit and I wanted so much to take them to Stone Mountain but I knew I could not physically do that.  Between the fatigue I battle I also have problems walking and standing.  I also have to be careful of the sun.  Being in the sun can bring on a Lupus flare.  Can anyone out there understand why I am FRUSTRATED WITH MY LIFE?


When I started this blog entry I thought I wouldn't be able to address all of the adjectives that I am feeling right now but it looks like I was.  I surprised that all of feelings are all tied together.   As I end this blog I am listening to the song "Smile" by Nat King Cole.  Now how appropriate is that.  

FEELING BLUE

Another weekend is coming to a close and I still haven't been able to get motivated to to get the simplest things done in my apartment.  My kitchen and bathroom have not been cleaned in maybe 3 months and they are both a disaster.  The trash need to be taken to the dumpster, boxes that have sat here since moved in are still sitting in the same place.  

I know all of this is due to my depression.  Some many people can go one with their lives doing everyday things without thinking about it but me it is difficult.  Why have I had to go on for decades living like this?  Why can't I break free.  I am feeling so overwhelmed.  

It is not just many things that I can't get motivated to do it is coping with my chronic illness' that have me feeling defeated.  Currently it is the fungal infection on my skin that is a result of the anti-biotics that I have to take for the MRSA sores that keep reoccurring.  

I am feeling overwhelmed and defeated by all of this and can't dig myself out so I can enjoy life.  I need help.  

IT HAS BEEN A LONG TIME

A lot can happen when you stay away for too long.  It has been 2 1/2 years since I made the decision to leave Bill and on May 7th we finally ended  our marriage.  When I called my mother to give her the the news of my divorce she happily said Yeah.  Yeah was not what I was feeling.  My first 3 years with Bill were happy ones.  I believe that God put him in my life to bring the joy that I had been missing.  It has been said that laughter is the best medicine and that along with others things were the gifts Bill brought to my life.  He was not only my husband but he was also my best friend.  When Bill made the decision to pursue his own dream ahead of me and our marriage that was the beginning of the end.  An end that was several years in the making.  

Limbo Land

Limbo Land is a lonely place and one that I have found myself in a lot for way too long.  Bill was not only my husband but my best friend and we spent a lot of time together.  This past weekend I have come to the conclusion that in order to move forward out of Limbo Land I need to close the door to the past few years with Bill.  It is time to do what I never thought I would be doing, getting a divorce for the 3rd time.  It doesn't get any easier and when I think about I feel like a failure.  I gave everything I could to keep our marriage together but Bill's dream to be a professional actor was more important than our life together.  When he made this decision he left me hoping he would find his way back but now I have to admit that it is a lost cause.  I am not the failure, I stayed the course we set for our lives.   It is time to move on and find a new path to follow.

Tired today

Today I have a lot to do but I am just feeling too tired.  This comes from the Lupus and also from Fibromyalgia.  Since symptoms can overlap it is hard to know which one is causing my fatigue. 

This past week I have been doing a lot of thinking about the words "Taking my life back" and came to the realization that they are only words until they are put into action.  I have been making small steps but find myself stopping for a break and when it is time to get back into action I feel blocked.  There is so much to do that I feel overwelmed.  Do I start in the living room or in the bedroom, both need my attention.  How do I do the things that require me to reach with my right arm?  Who do I call for help?  I know that the best way is to tackle my "To Do" list is to take it one thing at a time but something always keeps holding me back. 

Now that I am writing this I think I am discovering what that something is and that is finalizing the end of my marriage to Bill.  This is something that I know is necessary but at the same time something I never thought would happen.  He was the love of my life and I believed we would grow old together but the past 4 years have shown me that he is just a child who needs parents to guide him and to support him.  I need a man that I can count on to be the man of the house and Bill  is not that man.  It is time time to start a new beginning without him and really "Take my life back".

Lupus and Fibromyalgia

Ok, today I had an appointment with my rheumatologist. I am still learning a lot about Lupus and Fibromyalgia. Today I found out that the sun will not be a friend since it can trigger a flare or make a flare worse. This news was not what I wanted to hear. She recommended that when I plan to be out in the sun not only will I have to be sure to wear sunscreen but to cover up. I guess hats and sleeves will be my wardrobe from now on. Not happy. ):

Tomorrow I will be attending a seminar for Newly Diagnosed Patients at Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta. I am hoping to get a lot of my questions answered.